Top 100

It’s entirely possible that two random people on the internet have had a friendly conversation on one forum and later an aggressive hateful conversation on another forum, without ever knowing of their previous wholesome interaction.
If the NPCs you kill in GTA also walk out of the hospital later like nothing happened, then murder is not such a big deal in that Universe and that’s why the cops give up and let you go so easily
The most unrealistic thing about car commercials around the holidays is that a middle class family would make a major life purchase without first discussing it with their spouse
Playable characters in first-person video games never blink.
As a child, it always seemed that the consistency of a signature would be a much bigger deal than it is
The holiday season is the one time you can shout, "Don't come in here!" from inside a closed room where people will assume you're wrapping gifts instead of masturbating.
The wand choosing process is like allowing a customer to test a gun with live ammunition in the store
If the universe is infinite and an infinite amount of things occur after your death, it only seems logical that one of those things would be the restoration of your consciousness.
There aren’t any vampires in Africa because someone already blessed the rains there.
It always seems like people in zombie movies and tv shows have never seen a zombie movie or tv show.
Snowflakes is the perfect term to describe people who get offended by "Happy Holidays"
Thinking that you're different than the average teenager is the mentality of the average teenager
If solar-powered cars become a mainstream thing, shade-covered parking spots will go from being the most desirable to the least.
Instagram is essentially what you just saw here, three days later.
Being a Game Designer And Putting in an Easteregg Nobody has Found Must be Quite Sad.
If you critique yourself too much you can learn to dislike yourself. But if you don't do it enough, other people will learn to dislike you.
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is just the art of folding clothes with people still in them.
The sharpest crayons in the box are also the least popular ones.
Oedipus is literally the most famous motherfucker in the world.
It would be pretty cool if professional football players had cameras in their helmets and you could watch the game from any players’ perspective. It would be even cooler if there was a camera in the ball.
Cop yells “get your f’ing hands up” - 20% compliance. DJ yells the same thing - 100% compliance.
Butts are just really bad 3D printers
The term “fortnight” will always have a negative connotation from now on.
Picking a scab is a huge "fuck you" to the millions of cells in your body working so hard to fix you.
You can be the safest driver in the world, but you're still constantly endangered by other peoples carelessnes.
Pornstars don’t have private parts.
In year 2010, 1.25 million people died from road related accidents. That makes vehicles weapons of mass destruction.
If we're in a simulation, the real world graphics must be insane.
People born in the year 1999 have better chances of being alive in three different centuries then any other group of humans in history.
Waiting for the toilet bowl to fill back up so you can flush it a second time is probably the number one seemingly longest wait for something that takes very little time.
Sand is basically low-resolution liquid
If they don't find a way to play 'Dust in the Wind' in the next Avengers movie, they've wasted an opportunity.
Bob Ross invented ASMR videos 30 years ahead of his time.
Perhaps many people hate holiday music because it ignores the fact that the season is often busy, stressful, and depressing.
A stopped clock is right twice a day. But a clock running backwards at the normal speed is right four times a day.
The problem with the work holiday party is that drunk you is talkative so now sober you has to say hi to people you used to be able to walk past
Jobs that hurt people pay a lot more than jobs that help people.
There is a pile of dead Yoshi bodies at the bottom of each pit in Super Mario.
If a plague wiped out all of humanity in mid December, future alien archaeologists would form weird conclusions about the decor habits for a large swath of the planet.
The closer a tattoo is to a body opening the crazier the person is.
Wikipedia is the research equivalent of porn. Everyone uses it but you probably shouldn’t admit to it in class
Taking the toiletries from hotel room is the equivalent of looting a room in an RPG game.
If Thanos really did destroy half of all life in the universe, half of the trees would disappear too.
The most romantic thing you can do for a girl is give her severed plant genitals.
You once received your last Happy Meal toy, and never even noticed.
Women think having a penis is convenient because they've never got their clitoris stuck in their zipper.
No one really believes the Earth is flat. They just say that because they know it will draw attention to themselves.
People with high enough IQ wouldn't pay for their online IQ test reults.
When your young you're excited at a wobbly tooth, as an adult you dread a wobbly tooth.
The voice inside our heads never stutters
The popularity of George Orwell’s “1984” hasn’t made governments any less totalitarian, it just made them have to be more creative in their oppression.
If Waldo changed outfits once in a while, no one would ever find or recognize him
the day that you wasted today is the tomorrow that the person who died yesterday so badly wished for
Iced coffee is great but if hot coffee get cold it’s gross.
The only thing keeping you from certain death when driving 60 mph on the freeway is painted lines and a mutual agreement not to play bumper cars.
Foxes are the exact halfway mark between cats and dogs.
We cry, yet it’s the onions that hurt.
New Coke was such a flop that it's 30+ years later and they still put "Original Taste" on Coke products.
The camera lens is round, but the pictures they produce are rectangle.
When the Men in Black use the neuralyzer on a crowd of people, there's a very good chance that someone blinked right as the flash went off like when people take photos
St. Paul never knew we’d be reading his mail in public for 20 centuries.
Fruit Loops are gay Cheerios
The concept of dancing gets really fucking weird the more you think about it.
The fact that there are pipes Mario cannot go down in his games are proof that he is a terrible plumber.
Rich people having depression and mental illness is like when you use cheat codes in a game and get so overpowered and your inventory is so full that it becomes pointless and boring so you quit playing.
Mosquitoеs are dirty usеd nееdlеs with wings.
Walking through foggy weather is like lowering your render distance
The “most” beautiful person in the world will likely never enter a beauty pageant
Tapping your mom on the shoulder while shes talking to a friend is just spamming A through an unskippable cutscene.
All hair is body hair
It's a testament to modern technology that we can put a water fountain right outside a room for defecation and not constantly get cholera.
When people think about traveling to the past they always worry making a big change to the present with a small action. Barely anyone thinks that a small act today can make a big change the future though..
Homo sapiens is the only species on Earth given the power to determine how quickly it will go extinct.
If Wikipedia made donation amounts a competition between countries, they would get way more people contributing...
Depending on who you’re watching with, unexpected sex scenes in a movie can be the most effective form of a jump-scare
Before the internet, translators were the most powerful people in the world
Younger generations don’t complain more, they just have more information to back random thoughts they have.
Every second you're alive, there is an acid that's powerful enough to dissolve metal inside you.
Those pouches of blood you see in hospitals are just vampire Caprisuns.
Humans are the only species on earth that would improve the eco system by going extinct.
Rudolphs nose would have to be 2000 lumens or more to guide Santa's sleigh in the night sky. And he probably got bullied for blinding people everywhere he went or to whoever he talked to because he couldn't control it.
If you watch an ad instead of getting an in-app purchase, and time is money, then technically you’re still making an in-app purchase.
117 years ago there was an entirely different population
The most unfair thing in a Monopoly game is that you get thrown into jail just for stepping in the wrong neighbourhood.
Socks feel the most comfortable when worn new.
let’s all take a moment to appreciate the fact that we don’t have to manually digest food
One day, water will be more valuable than diamonds.
Dating is basically finding a really good friend you also want to have sex with until you find out if you love each other
When people hear a car alarm go off they assume it was an accident, therefore people won't bother to help in serious situations.
Most rooms have a dark-mode switch
Most of our pets are virgins
You never sobered up from that first time you did acid. You are living this life in your head.
The top 1% in intelligence must feel like they're living in a giant zoo most of the time.
Home Alone would have been a lot sadder if the mom arrived home before the crooks.
Those who think quiet people are “weird” are actually just uncomfortable with silence
The movie 'Cars' is about track runners.
People hate being told to calm down, but calming down is always good advice in virtually any scenario.
You were once the exact height of Pi
SEX could be an acronym for Sperm + Egg = Xygote
A protest with a permit is just a parade.

Top 100

It would be pretty cool if professional football players had cameras in their helmets and you could watch the game from any players’ perspective. It would be even cooler if there was a camera in the ball.

If you watch an ad instead of getting an in-app purchase, and time is money, then technically you’re still making an in-app purchase.